Finding Peace and Understanding, in the Gross, Spongy Center of Life.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog post that was kind of about the B word (Bigotry) and kind of about the R word (Racism), and then sort of about some other things that weren’t doing me a bit of good to keep carring around.

So I threw them out.

Into cyberspace.

why? Why? WHY?

Almost 5 posts down The Road To Blog, and I’m still asking myself that same question, right before I close my eyes and press Publish anyway. And I still don’t know the answer to it, any more than I know why I buy a 3 Musketeers and peel the waxy chocolate coating off of that gross, spongy middle part, and throw it away. It’s just a compulsion that brings me peace. Reason enough, I guess.

The response to my stories, were pretty much as expected. Some Yays, some Mehs, a few cold shoulders, a nasty private message, and an icky face or two.

Oh. And one un-friend.

Helpful hint of the day: If you want everyone to like you, don’t write about real things.

And look. I’m not one of those people who flips their hair and shrugs like I don’t care. I never really believe anyone who says that. Especially not me. I just don’t care enough to stop doing it. There’s a difference.

I haven’t had any trolls yet, which when you toss around words like Racism and Bigotry (especially when they’re tied to the word Religion), is a little bit surprising. And a little disappointing too. Because apparently you’re nobody, until some sweaty stranger who tortures ants and eats generic Spaghettios out of the can, next to his blow up girlfriend in his mom’s storage shed, hates you on the internet.

At any rate, from the minute I pressed publish, I’ve had this back and forth conversation in my head on whether to leave that post up, or erase it like that guy I dated who saw ghosts, and manicured his hamster’s toenails. Never happened.

“You don’t have to keep saying this stuff out loud you know…..” the one part says.

“No. I do. I really, really do……” insists the other.

Ok, so that may have been an actual conversation between me and my husband, and not in my head. But all I can say, is after publishing that post, it suddenly felt like I was walking down the street buck naked—and a part of me couldn’t blame the ones who covered their eyes in disgust like “OMG for the love of all things holy, put a kimono on that mess! $9.99 at Target. I’ll drive you there myself”. Because, you know—in a world full of airbrushed fantasy, real things horrify us all.

But then came the cab ride home from the airport a week later, with a dark skinned man with an accent, and suddenly, I didn’t feel like erasing it anymore. And no, I don’t know where he was from because A.) I’m terrible at accents, and B.) I didn’t care. I was just glad to be in a cab with him, instead of the Uber I had taken to get to there. Those 10 minutes in the back seat of a car that smelled like Mr. Whisker’s litter box, with a 20-something guy, swerving all over the road while he and his girlfriend did that creepy play bicker thing than no one thinks is cute (You’re so bad! No, you’re so bad!), and watched YouTube videos instead of the road, were some of the longest of my life.

So there we were, me and my possibly-Middle Eastern-but-I-don’t-really-know-or-care cab driver, laughing and joking about my Uber ride in the Honey Boo Boo Express, when his face suddenly froze as he glanced out his passenger side window.

“Whoa……what’s his problem?” he said, eyes locked on the car next door.

And as I looked out my own window, I was met with the flat, hateful stare of a white guy in his mid-sixties, that went from me, to the driver, and then back to me. In fact, it was the same hateful glare, that the same kind of the people I just written about in my last post, had given me 30 some years prior. And what blew me away the most, is how even after all of these years, right down to their self-righteous smirk, it hadn’t changed at all—as if they’ve all passed along the same heirloom tutorial, like a highly treasured jewel, from generation to generation. “Good my boy. That’s right. But squinch your eyes just a bit more. Like rat. Yes, yes! And and now sneer. Like I do, when I hear some uppity woman flapping her yap, who isn’t asking what I want for dinner. Excellent. Excellent. Nicely done. I’d say you’re well on your way to conveying deep, dark hatred for another human being, without ever having to say a word.”

As if the death stare from Grand Dragon Old Fart wasn’t bad enough, here’s where it got weirder. Even though my cab driver knew exactly what was happening, and I knew exactly what was happening, it was like we were both sucked in to this slow motion time warp, where each of us was waiting for the other one to admit what was going on. If I had to guess my driver’s reluctance, I’d say it’s because from the minute he showed up, he was a professional, and he probably didn’t want to blur the lines with something so weirdly personal. That, and because he had no idea who I was, and being accused of being a racist, for pointing out the obvious, tops a big list of Things To Avoid On The Job. My hesitation was along those same lines, because the way our Country is now, anything you say, can and will be twisted and turned into something it’s not, by some extremist wacko; so keeping quiet, usually feels like the safest thing to do.

Except it’s not. In fact, I had just written a blog (that up until that moment, I was wondering if I should erase), on how our silence and denial long ago, had given us all a false sense of safety and equality; which I believe is one of the many reasons that the racism and bigotry that’s been hiding in plain sight for so many years, is now exploding all around us.

“That dude is a racist” I finally blurted out. “People like him, don’t like to see people like us laughing and having fun together.”

There was a little awkward laughter, mixed with some nervous agreement, and then we both went on talking as if nothing had ever happened. I told him about my old job, he told me about his brother the cop, and then he dropped me off, and it was done.

Except it wasn’t done. I was so pissed off I could barely sleep that night. How does anyone hate a complete stranger so much that they’ll sit through an entire light cycle, just to stare them down? And why hadn’t I pulled out my phone, and recorded the whole thing, and then sent it to that Dateline guy with the white hair and ghost story voice, so there would be undeniable proof for everyone see that yes, those people are real. And that no, I wasn’t making it up. In fact, I left the worst parts out, because I was too much of a wimp to say it all out loud. And that yes. A staring contest in traffic many not seem like much, but anyone who has been on the receiving end of a covert hater, understands it’s part of a larger, more pervasive destruction. And if we just had the right proof to get everyone on board, we’d stop sitting back and pretending it’s not real because it doesn’t affect us, and stand up for each other, right?

As it turns out, the answer may be no.

In fact, according to a comic strip called The Oatmeal, that I ran across that same night, there’s a brain function called The Backfire Effect, that causes the exact opposite to happen. Since the words “brain function” probably dropped me down to the last two readers I had left, let me just say that I’m not going in to a detailed explanation about the cartoon. But it’s titled “You’re Not Going To Believe What I’m About To Tell You”, if anyone wants to Google it. And you should. We ALL should. Because it explains so much, in the simplest way, about why we react with anger and denial when we’re presented with information that doesn’t support our core beliefs. The good news is, it’s not because we’re all just a bunch of jerks. Except for the Stare-inator. He actually is just a jerk. I mean for normal people. The ones of us who aren’t sociopaths.

And look what just showed up there. One of my core beliefs. The one that says that bigots and racists of the sit-and-glare-in-traffic caliber are most probably, un-fixable Narcissistic Sociopaths. And that’s exactly how it works. You could give me solid proof that Mr KKK spends every evening and weekend, hand sewing tiny slippers for homeless puppies out of his own shirts, and not only would it not change my belief that he’s a Narco-path, it would push me to assume that the only reason he’s doing nice things, is to camouflage his real evil—which makes him even more of a sociopathic jerk.

The bad news is, from an evolutionary survival standpoint, The Backfire Effect actually makes sense—which means we have very little motivation to ever stop doing it. The nutshell version of how it works goes something like this: The emotional center of the brain is called the Amygdala. (Aaaaannnd I just lost my second to last reader. Hold on last man or woman standing! I’m almost to my point. And no more boring science-y words, I promise). This primitive part of the brain is what makes us react to “threatening” information (i.e. that doesn’t support our core beliefs), the same way we would have reacted to a Saber Tooth Tiger who was stalking our prehistoric cave. In that situation, if we sat contemplating the pros and cons of defending ourselves, we would have been left dangling on the bottom rung of the evolutionary ladder, long, long ago. We react the same way when our core beliefs are threatened, because if we trace those beliefs down deep enough, they’re like a fortress of protection around the way we see the world—which is closely connected to our perception of safety and survival—even if that perception isn’t particularly logical. To make matters worse, our primitive brains are also wired to love consistency and to hate change; so even if a thought or action is consistently bad, our brains will see it as safer and more survivable, than and a new thought or action that logical, healthy and good.

That’s why those drunk driving videos where everyone dies, have very little power to change the behavior of someone who believes that booze makes them sexier, funnier, and a much better driver. Because somewhere much deeper, at an unconscious level—as back-assward as it seems—their core belief about the benefits of booze, is vital to their perception of acceptance; which is always a key component to safety and survival. It’s also the reason why it doesn’t matter how many Bible verses on love and equality you show to a bigoted religious person. If their core belief is “This white hood makes me powerful and superior, instead of a hateful little Weenis who cries after sex with my grandma’s floral pillows”—not even the word of God can talk them out of it.

And yes. That’s my core belief showing again.

I have other ones too, that create all sorts of prejudice and biases, that aren’t always that logical. Take religious men in suits for example. True story. One time I was asked for a list of triggers that caused “a poor emotional response”. So I put religious men in suits. And Southern Comfort (but that’s a totally different story). Which makes sense. Because of all of the things that have threatened me the most (besides way too much of a sickly sweet whiskey abomination), an authoritarian religious person definitely tops the list. Not that they all wore suits. Or that they were even all men. But that’s just how the brain works. We fill in the gaps with our own bits of experience or bias, because a complete story feels safe and consistent (brain function #1), even if it’s not completely true. Take the Drive By Racist. It took no time for me to put a Jesus Fish on the back of his Lexus and a Bible in his lap. In fact, a part of me sees it so clearly, that I actually want to include it as part of the story. Except I can’t. Because he didn’t. So it wouldn’t be true. But since he’s the same type of person, with the same type of rat-eyed, sneer-glare from the authoritarian ghosts of tribal religion past, I want to make him into that type of religious person.

And put him in a suit. A cheap polyester one. That gives him an itchy pimply rash all over his butt. And a booger filled pocket hanky.

And look, I really do challenge these things. Every Sunday in fact, as I follow my kids to church and have purposeful interactions with religious men who are nothing like the ones who create “a poor emotional response”. Which isn’t hard, because the large majority of them aren’t like that at all. Along with that, I also try to consciously remember the ones who were good and kind, even long ago, instead of letting them sink to the back of my mind like some not-even-real kind of unicorn. But here’s another weird thing, that even with the best of intentions, can sabotage those efforts too. The survival part of our brain will under focus on the good things, and over focus on the bad things, just to make sure we’re not forgetting what we know about what is and isn’t “safe”.

Around Father’s Day last year, I actually did forget what I knew, and made the unfortunate mistake of reaching out for a bit of fatherly church comfort during a hard time I was going through. And I dunno. A simple “There, there dear” with a non-creepy, grandfather side hug would have probably been just fine. But no such luck. He tried to exorcise the Jezebel out of me instead. Because isn’t that what’s wrong with every woman who can’t just bury it all in a Cream of Gak smile, as she mixes up the green bean casserole for potluck? And here I thought I was just a normal person, experiencing a normal moment of sadness. But thankfully he, in his Supernatural Wisdom saw what was really going on: the most evil woman in all of Bible history, was living right there inside of me—and it would take a special boss like him, to boot that bitch out. I mean, it would have been an honor just to be nominated, but to actually be chosen as her unholy dwelling place? Well I don’t even know what to say, besides, I guess that explains those peri-menopausal mood swings. Nice catch Mr. Opportunistic Superiority Complex Man. Do you think it’s too late to cancel my GYN appointment?

And don’t worry, I’m actually saving that story for another compulsion, I mean, blog post, so I won’t go on about it now. But the point I’m trying to make is that the magnified effect of a really bad, rare interaction, compared with the far more numerous, but minimized good interactions, still leave me wanting to show up one Sunday morning, frothing with a mouth full of green Palmolive, and flopping on the floor in my old AC/DC shirt, hissing the lyrics to “Hells Bells” backwards.

And look, I’m still on my own journey to sort this stuff out, and to question the core beliefs that fuel my own prejudices and biases. And yes. There’s still a pretty big box to untangle. But the good news is, if we can convince ourselves to leave the door open—even a crack—and tolerate the skin crawly discomfort that new ideas can bring, then there really is hope that we can change.

Even Grand Dragon Old Fart?

I guess you can never say never, but I won’t be laying any bets. Because to make a change, you have to want to change—and anyone who’s that invested in superiority and hatred, doesn’t have the best chance of wanting it. But what about all of the rest of us garden variety jerks, who actually are willing to try if it can make the world a better place? Yes. I believe we can.

Maybe the first place to start, is to dig deep, and trace our own core beliefs down to the Backfire Effect. (And really. Go read The Oatmeal. It explains it all so well). And then maybe the second thing we can do, is actively question the places we feel the most resistance, even when it feels uncomfortable and wrong. Then maybe the third thing we can do, is try to remember that every single person we meet, has their own Backfire Effect, with their own fortress of beliefs, surrounding the World View that they’ve come to see as “safe”—and without any kind of awareness, we’ll all fight each other just as hard, to keep our own defenses strong.

Awhile back, I had a white friend tell me that it bothered him that I’ve had black boyfriends, and that he didn’t know how to stop feeling it. Not long after that, I had a black friend tell me that his grandpa always warned him that white people were “the devil”, and a no matter how hard he tried, a little part of him still believed it.

Both of those friends, were the last people on earth I ever thought I’d hear those things from. But the truth of it is, I think we all have racist, prejudiced and biased thoughts to varying degrees, if for no other reason than the experiences of a lifetime, are always forming an army of beliefs, to keep our world stable, predictable, and “survivable”. Recognizing similarities and differences and judging everything around us as “safe and predictable” or “dangerous and unpredictable” is a hard wired survival trait that all animals—including us—are doing every second of the day. I think the problem comes in, when we lose the desire to think deeper, and be better, than our primitive, tribal selves—and we let fear, greed, and superiority, morph into the unchallenged core beliefs, that protect a destructive, self serving World View.

And ya, I get it. No perspective is ever exactly right. This is just one—and not a fully developed one at that. Which is why I called this blog “All Who Wonder”, instead of “All Who Know”. Because the only thing I’ll ever know for sure, is that I’ll never, ever stop wondering; and compulsively peeling the waxy chocolate facade, off of the gross, spongy center of life—to hopefully find the peace and understanding, I know has to be buried inside.

It’s More Than Just the Poopy Revenge.

 

 

 

 

The first time I saw The Help, I fell in love with Minny. She was a Truth Telling Nightmare, who fought back, regardless of the risks; and shined a light so bright, that the Doers of Darkness, had nowhere left to hide. And while tale after tale of bravery and heroism had me cheering the whole way through, nothing compared to Bad Ass Minny, taking a dump in a Narcissist’s pie.

For anyone who hasn’t seen The Help, here’s a quick re-cap, so we’re all on the same page: It’s about black maids, in Jackson, Mississippi in the 1960’s, and a journalist who asks them to write a book about the abuse they experience while working in white households. While they all wanted the truth to be told, speaking out had consequences; and fear of retribution was holding them back from what they knew in their hearts was the right thing to do.

Minny worked for the the family of Hilly Holbrook; the church going, casserole baking, heart blessing, committee heading, honey talking, truly evil, if-you-can’t-just-kill ’em—kill ’em-with-kindness-instead, Malignant Narcissist Queen.

Let me just pause here to say that yes, I do understand this was a story about Civil Rights and Racism, not Narcissism. And no, I’m not going to hijack the entire thing so I can squeeze it through a Cheese Whiz can of my own life filter. And yes, this really is going somewhere. I promise.

One night, during a dangerous thunderstorm, Minny uses the “white” indoor bathroom, instead of risking her life to use the “colored” outside one. Hilly fires her on the spot, and then blacklists her from ever finding another job in Jackson, by accusing her of theft.

A few days later, Minny shows up with an offering of “peace”, she knows Hilly can’t resist: her famous chocolate pie.

I guess no one wants to hire a sass mouth, thief” says Hilly, reaching for her second slice. “But what DO you put in here that makes it taste so good?”

That good vanilla from Mexico” says Minny with smile. “And something else……reeeeal special”.

Right about then, Hilly’s mother reaches for a piece for herself. Minny grabs it away, explaining that it’s a “special pie, just for Miss Hilly”. Hilly glares at Minny like she’s a naughty dog, pushes the pie across the table, and orders her to cut a piece anyway.

And that’s when she does it. Minny looks her square in the eye and says, “Eat My Shit”.

Have you lost your MIND?!?” seethes Hilly, with a hand on her chest, and eyes wide with surprise.

No Ma’am”, says a smirking Minny, “But you’re about to……cause you just did.”

Then Hilly gags. The maids write their book. And the crowd in my mind cheers wildly.

And not just for the poopy revenge.

Ok, so kind of for the poopy revenge.

But mostly because Minny uses that story, she calls The Terrible Awful, along with Hilly’s massive ego (the Achilles heel of a Narcissist) to give everyone else the courage to admit the truth, and have the hard conversations that they were too afraid to have before—with themselves, and each other, and the world.

Life is full of hard conversations.

And we hate them.

Because just like the maids—even if it is for different reasons—we’re afraid too.

We fear losing community, we fear hurting people, and most of all, we fear losing love. But the problem with avoiding the hard conversations, is that closet rent is never free, and the one who pays the price isn’t just us. It’s the people around us too. Some of us pay with sadness, anxiety and depression; some of us pay with an inauthentic existence and unrealized dreams; some of us pay with our health; and some of us ultimately pay with our lives. But whatever the price of our silence is, it’s rarely worth it in the end.

The difficult truth that I have to tell is about Narcissism and Psychological Abuse. As a child, my entire life was influenced by it, and later on as an adult, I was almost destroyed by it. But one day, I found a Facebook page about Narcissistic Abuse, and for the first time ever, my experience had a name besides “You’re broken”, “God doesn’t love you”, “You’re un-savable”, “If it wasn’t for us you’d be a druggie in a ditch”, “You’ve always been the problem”,  “You’re crazy” and “You’re bad and going to Hell”.

And look. No one wakes up one day and says “Ya, I know I could write about puppies. Or cupcakes. Or my favorite red nail polish. But no. I’ll pick this life altering, misery creating, destroy-you-from-the-inside-out social disease, with far too many S’s for someone with a slight lisp to pronounce.” But when that’s what has been put in front of you, there are choices to be made. One of those choices is hiding it away in the cobwebby attic of dysfunction and pretending it doesn’t exist. Another is saying “What the hell.”, and tossing it all in the middle of the lawn for anyone and everyone to see. 

Sometimes I really doubt myself; and my motivations; and the wisdom of living out loud; without apology; on my own terms; and in my own words, instead of reading from the script that was written for me, and playing the role that was given to me, long before I ever had a choice.

More often than not, that doubt eventually leads me right where I am now: with one part of my brain running towards the toilet with a hand over it’s mouth screaming “Omg! It’s happening again!”.  Like vomit. But with words.  While the other part of my brain is sitting cross legged in a corner, with leopard print reading glasses propped on it’s head, making a solid list of pros and cons, that looks a little something like this:

Reasons, I shouldn’t write a series on Narcissism called ‘Tales From The Narc Side’:

#1-infinity.) I’m afraid

 

Reasons I should write a series on Narcissism called “Tales From The Narc Side”:

1.) Because if I’m being honest, it’s one of the reason I started this thing in the first place.

2.) Because up until I was 40, my entire life felt like an effed-up combination of the shows Survivor (schemes, manipulations, broken alliances, and the inevitable blind side that always ends up with someone being voted off the island), and The Sons of Anarchy (mafia-like tribalism, minus the dead bodies; just an endless trail of broken souls, spirits and relationships). When we know better, we do better. But that can’t happen until we give ourselves permission to even admit it should be better in the first place.

3.) Because the people who don’t like me, already don’t like me. This isn’t going to make it worse. Once you’ve gone bankrupt, there’s nothing left to take. The life I once had, doesn’t exist anymore. And the one I’ve rebuilt, doesn’t drift and crumble like water over sand. Most of the time, it’s stable, and solid in a way that only comes from being broken—and learning that broken places can heal up stronger, than they ever were before.

4.) Because I wouldn’t even be here unless other people had been brave enough to tell their stories first. And by “here” I don’t mean sitting in this second hand chair, at an Ikea hack desk, with an empty chipped coffee cup, thinking panicked thoughts like “You’re not really going to post this are you? Please tell me you’re not going to post this…..”. I mean “here”, as in, on this planet.

5.) Because I’m not a therapist, or a mental health care professional (In fact I need a mental health care professional; and being a half-way normal, semi-functioning adult, surprises me every day), but there are some things, that only another person who has lived it, can fully understand or validate.

6.) Because I didn’t fight this long, and this hard, to get where I am for silence. Silence made me sick. Living in the truth made me whole….ish. And no one gets here alone.

7.) Because the poet Rumi says that being human is like a guest house, with many different visitors. While some of those visitors are going to show up for tea and help you plant flowers, others are going to barge in with a keg of cheap beer and totally trash your place. When that eventually happens, there’s no such thing as having to much help picking red cups up off the lawn and skimming puke off the top of the swimming pool.

8.) Because I never want to be so “healed”, that I forget who I used to be, and the journey I’ve had to take to even get where I am. True healing never stops; and it’s the cracks, and the breaks, and the places that still hurt, that keep me reaching forward for help from the ones who have gone ahead of me, and reaching backwards to grab, the ones who are still behind me.

9.) Because I can’t keep waiting for “someday safer”—when this person gets dementia and forgets my name, or when that person graduates and doesn’t need my protection anymore. There is no such a day. And we need each other now.

10.) Because years ago, I heard a voice in a dream that said “Why are you living like a prisoner, when I’ve already set you free?”.  There is nothing more powerful that hearing the words,“Me too, I believe you, and I believe in you.” Being that voice for someone else, is part of living free.

11.) Because the first indication that something is wrong with the people in our lives is often anxiety, and depression, and addictions, that don’t seem like addictions—to drama, and chaos, and outbursts, and victimhood, and facades, and a nameless, faceless rage that shows up in all of the places, that it doesn’t have a right to be. Not a single one of us, deserves to live this way.

12.) Because life is only as good as our crappiest relationship—so knowing what a Narcissist is; the tactics they use to abuse people; the traits in our personality, that make us good Supply for their bottomless pit of Need; the unconscious ways we attract them; and the conscious ways to repel them, not only changes our lives, but the lives of those around us.

13.) Because giving a destructive disease a name, and sharing the tools I’ve found to overcome it, can all be done without ever detailing times, or places, or exposing a single person’s identity. It not about them anyway. Or revenge. It’s about the fact that everyone suffers in one way or another. It’s our common ground. And it only takes one person telling their truth, to open the door for someone else to tell theirs, and start a journey of their own.

14.) Because you don’t actually have to shit in someone’s pie, to make them cough and gag and act like you’ve just shit in their pie. To a Narcissistic Abuser, healthy boundaries, truth and reality are the shit in their pie. And once they see you’ve mastered those, they won’t be back for another slice.

One of the most powerful tools an abuser has, is the ability to make us feel guilty or afraid to tell the truth about what they’ve done. Or worse yet, they’ll try to convince us that the abuse we experienced first hand, never really happened; or in the off chance that it did happen, it really wasn’t that bad. Then they’ll try to shame us for being “overly-sensitive” or “over reactive”. They’ll tell us that we take “everything too seriously”, and that we  just need to “chill out”, or “get on some meds”, or “learn to take a joke”.

We’re not.

And we don’t.

It’s just a way to keep people quiet, so they can keep on doing whatever they want, whenever they want, to gets their needs met. All on someone else’s dime.

It works, because it threatens our basic need for love and acceptance. And if it happens in a group, it plays on our primal fear of being an outcast in the tribe. It’s also the reason that an entire group will ignore what they know is right, and stand by and watch an innocent person suffer without intervening to help.

Doing this. For me. Is the opposite of that.

So here it is, I guess. The first installment, of what I hope is many, to a series I’ll call, Tales From the Narc Side.

Being afraid isn’t nothing. But it also isn’t everything. Our stories deserve to be told. Even if we do have to add “a little something…..reeeeeeeal special” to get the job done. 

 

Dear WordPress. You’re the only one who truly understands me.

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Dear WordPress,

So here we are again.

You: still waiting patiently.

Me: cursing and crying and digging a hole in the wall in front of my desk with an anxious big toe, as I Write. Erase. Repeat. And then press my fingers into my eyeballs as far as I can without causing permanent blindness, and think “Who even does this?”

Like really. What kind of person feels the burning need to vomit words into space where anyone.

Or no one.

But mostly anyone.

Can read them?

For the last month. Every time I’ve tried to write this post, that’s the only thing that comes out.

And why do I need to do it? For the love of all things holy WHY, when it’s way easier, and far more enjoyable to eat my feelings the way normal people do.

Maybe I should have known these things, before spending an hour on the phone with The GoDaddy Saint, who toddler walked me through choosing packages, and in-depth explanations of technical terms, after I spent weeks and weeks of googling “WTF IS A WIDGET?!?” with teeth gritting angst, all on my own.

“I’m sorry you got me today” I said.

And I really was.

That’s what I’m here for, he assured me. Which was both a comfort, and a disappointment, because I was half hoping that the minute I called, the wise millennial owl on the other end of the line would say “No. Absolutely not. We do not sell blogs to people who have no actual proof that they have anything new or important to say. So piss off, okay?”

Then that would be it. I’d take their word for it, piss off, and I’d finally be free.

“What will your blog be about?” asked Saint Daddy.

“Narcissistic personalities.” I blurted out. “And abusive relationships. And toxic families. And cults. And faith destroyed. And faith restored; well, sort of.  And being adopted. And finding your birth family after your life is half over. And missing them so much, that even when they’re standing right there in front of you and you’re squeezing them tight, your heart still feels like it’s trying to pump cold molasses through one of those little green coffee straws. And how not to drive yourself off of a cliff when you finally hit 40, and realize that the stories you thought you had neatly stacked and hidden, weren’t really hidden a bit. And now they’re hanging out all over the place, like the identity crisis closet of a teenage girl, but instead of the real stories you wish you could tell, they look like anger, and sadness, and outbursts, and phobias, and depression, and all sorts of socially acceptable addictions that make you feel weirdly cozy, and absolutely miserable all at the same time. And it’s about hatred, and healing. And bitterness, and peace. And finally telling the truth, for the first time in my life. And you know…..maybe some cute animal stuff too…….”

“Oh.” was his reply. “Well, good luck with that”.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

And now every day since, It’s been you and me, and some combination of Oreos, Fireball, and Trader Joes Turkey and Stuffing potato chips (strangely delicious btw ) in front of a dead white screen. And besides the fact that I can’t seem to sleep, or get rid of that sandpaper feeling that’s itching beneath my skin, I’ve pretty much convinced myself that I’ve just spent $119.99 to finally figure out that I’m not strong enough, or brave enough, to even do this kind of thing.

Except I am.

I know I am.

Or at least I think, I know I am.

A little over 8 years ago now, my friend J.—and by friend, I mean therapist, but whatever—asked me what I wanted most in my life.

I told her that I just wanted to be a real person.

Not that I knew what that meant, because even as a married adult, with a real job and a real family and all sorts of other things that seemed really, really, real, I was also fully owned—body, mind, spirit and soul—by everyone, and everything, other than myself. And no matter how real I looked on the outside, I had no idea what it was supposed to feel like on the inside. What I did know, is that driving down the freeway and staring longingly into the eyes of an oncoming semi, and silently begging it to wipe me off the planet, probably wasn’t it. Neither was spending day after day, sobbing next to the dog dish on the laundry room floor, while my kids binged on Animal Planet, and picked trail mix from between the couch cushions instead of asking me for a snack, because “Mommy was sad and scary”.

And for whatever reason, writing it down, and sending it out, makes me feel as real as I ever have. Fear has a way of doing that, I guess.

So maybe that’s the reason why, I feel this constant need. Because I desperately crave the realness and the clarity, that only writing brings. And because until I started writing my own stories, on my own terms, life was the opposite of clear; it was a murky green soup with bits and chunks of the nasty unknown, and I was choking on every bite.

I fully believe, that either consciously or unconsciously, functionally or dysfunctionally, we’re always telling our story. Knowing and accepting the real story, is what keeps the rest of our lives, from being nothing more than a metaphor, for the things we’re too afraid to say. And reconciling the truth, means stepping into the life we were made for, instead of wasting everything we’ve been given, on surviving the one that we weren’t.

Healed people, heal people. But unless we tell out stories, that’s kind of hard to do. Not that I’d call myself healed. I’m too stumbling and bumbling and reaching and slobbering to ever live up to that. But I have done some heal-ing; so I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I’m showing up, and I’m ready to share—run on sentences, iffy punctuation, crap grammar, and all.

Even if it’s just with you, WordPress.

So just as a little side note: I hope it’s ok, that I’ve started to see you as a weirdly attractive, slobbish older man, in my mind. Not too hot, or I’d start picking my nails, and laughing like a goob. And not too interested in what I have to say, or I’d think that all of this matters way more than it does, and end up right back where I have been; miserably frozen in that hellish combination of Imposter Syndrome and Fear-of-Pretty-Much- Everything (besides eating chocolate covered nuts, on a broken-ass recliner, and binge watching Netflix, while I pretend not to notice that the dog is scrubbing his butt on the carpet again.) I’m picturing you like The Dude. Maybe a little more sober, but definitely in your underwear, and listening just enough, through half closed eyes, to say something kind of encouraging, and kind of rude, like, “Get over yourself girl.  And just do it already.  It’s almost time for my second morning nap.”

And will you look at that? I think maybe, I just did.